Girls, Girls, Girls,
Another whirlwind trip to PA over the weekend, first for my nephew’s wedding. I was nervous about this since it is my soon-to-be ex’s side of the family and the first time that I would see everyone with them all knowing the truth about us. The immediate family kept our divorce a secret until he left me out of his father’s obituary which, as you know hurt me, deeply. Darling Daughter was with me when I bought my dress for the reception. Good thing, otherwise I would have left it on the rack. It is a Marilyn Monroe -type dress. The one she wore when she stood above the grate and the air blew her skirt up only it is black with white polka dots. My goal was to make sure my arms did not flap in the wind and my strapless bra stayed up. I think I achieved that. Well, I know the bra stayed up. First was the wedding at 1:30 where I wore this cute little sun dress that my best friend and her daughter insisted I wear. They visited the weekend before and made me try on all my dresses just to make sure I looked my best. Or as BF would say, Bangin’. Darling Daughter informed me the dress was a little too slinky for church. It’s more of an Down South dress than a PA dress. I wore it anyway. I was a little self -conscious until I came out of the church, and the women came up to me saying how tan and good I looked. Score One. Then the strangest thing happened. These women of my soon-to-be ex’s extended family gathered around me whispering support and expressing empathy. One of his cousins, who I did not actually know that well, became my best friend, kissing me on the cheek and suggesting I sit at her table at the reception. There is a God(dess). Score Two.
As the seating arrangements were, I ended up sitting right next to him. That’s jumping ahead. The reception started at six which gave me a little bit of time to go check into my hotel.
This is where it gets interesting. Some of you know this story of an old male friend who emailed me out of the blue three years ago on my birthday. I was in Austin, Texas at the time with my husband, and it was this trip where it became apparent to me that something was very, very wrong in our relationship. Then my friend emails me while I am there. In this email he wrote with such sensitivity and respect for me that it became very clear all that I did not have in my marriage. We met at the time when I was getting serious with my husband and then got engaged and married to him. We were like best friends, hanging out together and so on. We flirted to the best of my recollection. The fact that he remembered my birthday 25 years later blew me away. We have continued emailing and he has been a good friend to me, very supportive. We never met even though he lives in the same home town as my soon-to-be ex. I tell him I will be there for the weekend and may have a brief period of time in which to meet. It turns out I had 45 minutes. I checked into my hotel. He works around the corner, how convenient. I call him to tell him I’m there, and we arrange to meet for a drink. I’m still in my sun dress with my swank clutch bag and am feeling like Carrie Bradshaw walking out of the hotel (just go with me on that one). At the same time my friend is crossing the street, and I see the smile and instant recognition he has for me. My heart melted. He is very muscular, on the short side, Italian, dark and cute in my opinion. We walk and talk which he reminds me we did a lot of back in the day. He must have burned a lot less brain cells than I did because his memory is like an elephant’s. Well, it’s like no time has passed of course. And the epiphany I had when I saw my soon-to-be-ex earlier in the day was that I no longer felt attracted to him. I tell my friend that. He and I walk back to the hotel, and I can’t resist the urge to tell him that if I were out and about looking at men today I would pick him. He says, I would pick you too. My wounded Soul feels boosted. I change into my Marilyn Monroe dress humming and keeping him in my mind’s eye throughout the reception for an added boost of confidence. I danced the night away. What else is new there. I could have made small talk with my soon-to-be-ex but really didn’t feel the need. It would have just made him uncomfortable, and I didn’t feel it necessary. It wasn’t awkward because GIRLFRIENDS, I felt good in my skin. Plus there was this undercurrent from the women in the family like You Go Girl! Good for you, you moved to NC! Score Another One for Me!
I get back to the hotel later, put on my jams, goo up my face and then decide to listen to my voice mail messages and sure enough there is one from my friend saying he would like to go out after the reception. I called and declined which is a good thing because did I mention he is MARRIED. Shees! Why is the Universe sending me unavailable men!
From there I go to my hometown, Allentown. My mom is very sick again. Then back to Greenville. I cried almost the whole way back to NC thinking about the irony of it all. Now I get to have a crush on my old friend, and he is unavailable, and before it was reversed. Our encounter gave me a temporary boost, and then I hit bottom AGAIN. I thought that was the end of that. My friend has always been appropriate in his emails and like I said we never met up before Saturday. I expected his next email to be much of the same. INSTEAD he writes and says this: When he watched me walk back into the hotel, he felt like a character in a “girlie” movie where he finds HER, loses her, finds her again and loses her AGAIN all due to circumstances. He says how taken aback he was at how BEAUTIFUL and SEXY I STILL AM!!!!!
REALLY, REALLY is this happening to me? I’m caught between is this FATE or is this CRAZINESS?? The next night I am sitting on my deck meditating, and I say to myself, SELF, you cannot go there. I decide to see if I saved any of his old emails and click on one. In it he is responding to my telling him I am getting divorced. He is supportive and says he is somewhat of an aficionado given that his business partner has been divorced and remarried three times, and half of his cousins. He tells me he had thought about divorce himself…
….Hello, God, it’s me again….Of course in my imagination, I pretend and play out the what if scenario. Shouldn’t have gone there. I am worried about the naked thing again. And that these herbs I’m taking give me gas. Oh, by the way, I figured out how to show cleavage. I need a super duper push-up bra and a V-neck that goes to just above my belly button.
Last week I walked into work with a guy and we have general chit chat. He says, we’ve done this before you and I. I say, WE HAVE? In my mind I’m thinking is he having a déjà vu, and have we met in another lifetime…Is it destiny? He says, yeah, we walked in together a couple months ago and had the same exact conversation. See ya, he says, have a nice day. Surely I am not getting enough rest.
In other news the mother ducks and ducklings have been returning to the pond over the last few weeks. The Black and White mama had FOURTEEN babies. The other’s range between five and eight. An older woman in the neighborhood and I were marveling over nature’s little creations. Well, she says matter-of factly, they won’t last, the turtles’l get ‘um! I gasp in horror. I tell BF and her daughter this story. You can actually see the turtles swim toward the ducklings in the water. After a pitcher of Margaritas and a few beers between them, they start scanning the water and begin screaming from the deck for the mothers to get their babies out of the way of the turtles. We did constant head counts. This went on for about an hour. I think there was a “fuck” thrown in there a time or two. Neighbors, do I have neighbors?
Speaking of …BAC stopped by last Thursday before I left. He’s like having a girlfriend. He just walks through the apartment and looks around, chats it up about what I am wearing to the wedding and which accessories and shoes. Of course, he probably just knows the right questions to ask a woman. When BAC is at work he stays in the Bat Cave and is a man of few words. When the clock says 5, you get BAC UNPLUGGED. So he’s out on my deck talking to me matter-of-factly about porno. I must have asked a question. Now I am the student. I have a lot to learn. Neighbors? I asked him what age group of men did he think would be interested in me. Without skipping a beat, he says it depends what my intentions are. If I just want sex, 35 and up. If I want a relationship, I need to go older.
So there you have it. Love and…..
Goodnight from Greenville, Dyanne
P.S. – I promised God I would never look at a penis the same way ever again. She very gently reminded me that I shall have no other Gods before her.
P.S.S. – Thank you all for the gifts you keep sending. My gift to you is my stories. I love you.
Dyanne is an inner wisdom coach, psychotherapist, writer, mind-body healer, Integrative Yoga Therapy teacher, certified “Journal-to-the SELF” instructor and creator of https://www.holywhollyholey.comhelping women heal and step into their power. She is the author of the ebook, “Holey Path to Holy Living: A Women’s Path to Healing and Freeing Sacred Feminine Power,” which can be found on Amazon and on her websitehttps://www.amazon.com/Holey-Path-Holy-Living-Feminine-ebook/dp/B01MUI0OOJ/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1486652110&sr=1-13&keywords=holy+path