Two friends on two separate occasions and in the same week, talked to me about wanting to find a new purpose in life, to feel passionate about something again. Of course, now I’m on overdrive contemplating passion and purpose and meaning.
The conversations touched a nerve. I, too, no longer know what I feel passionate about. Always thinking ahead to what comes next and sort of knowing, I feel a bit lost these days. My excitement meter feels dulled.
The last year-and-half of caregiving has drained me emotionally and physically. No matter where you are in life, I know you, like me, have felt this at one time or another. I’ve come to a near full stop not having the energy or desire to do the things I previously loved doing. My book on forgiveness is indefinitely on hold. I don’t know if I will go back to it at this point or maybe another book altogether will emerge.
Empathy overload and decision fatigue will do that to you. How can I or anyone possibly feel passionate about something when the first thing we feel is depleted? I wonder if this is just a lull in the action of my life, and if I will return to doing what I loved when I feel grounded and energized again. If I do, I will certainly go back to it a changed person. Like energy nothing in life is ever lost; it is just recreated in a new form.
So, did I lose my passion, or lose my access to it? Maybe the first step isn’t demanding to know my purpose but getting some of myself back. Maybe my nervous system is saying, screaming, I don’t have anything left to give, not I need to recreate myself. Maybe all I need is rest, space, solitude, and play. That seems like a pretty good prescription for a return to vitality on any given day.
Vitality returning isn’t a grand calling, or a big aha. Lately I’m allowing myself, yes, giving myself permission to visit the bookstore and buy a hardback just because; take little day trips; lunches with wine; to think about things I’ve wanted to try doing; or to do absolutely nothing. All without judgment or guilt. Haha, kidding, I’m still working on that. My meditations are focused on loving kindness in all forms. This seems to give me a general purpose that makes my heart feel really good.
I’m creating a space to just be. And in that space, questions are presenting themselves, an internal probing. My subconscious is coming through and wondering, do I even want to do what I was previously doing? A part of me feels something is ending like my old identity might no longer fit. Could this be an opening, an opportunity to change directions and recreate myself once again? To find a new spark?
When I was younger, my energy focused on who I was becoming and what obstacles I needed to work around to be who I wanted to be. Not that I’ve totally arrived, but I’ve attained many of the things I set my sights on or at least accepted the things that are just not going to happen. At this point I don’t think I’m going to learn to scuba dive, although I would never say never. I’ve been a wife and partner, mother, professional, caregiver, daughter, friend, and volunteer. Who am I now? What matters now?
Years ago I wrote a blog on how midlife and beyond women matter after yet another conversation with a friend who was having trouble getting back into the job market at 55. We had a sense of being put out to pasture and no longer of value. What I hear women saying is, hey, I’ve still got life in me, and what is it for now?
I’ve realized there is no expiration point to finding your passion, meaning and purpose. No set arrival date. And no past due date either. The questions I think we should be asking ourselves are different though. All great journal prompts like:
What makes me feel alive?
What still has the power to interest me?
What is worthy of my time and my remaining life force?
What will I do with what I love?
Maybe the lull is part of a reinvention. It will give me time to rest, yes, and to be curious again, and not leap into a new identity just yet. The forced stop has pushed me out of the “shoulds” of my daily life. It has served to break some old routine patterns. What I thought I absolutely had to do, I realize I can choose to do or not. I don’t have to jump up first thing in the morning, go right to the computer, and start creating. I’m taking more time in my day to do random things like search for and try new recipes. I’ve read a couple of books I wouldn’t normally take the time to read. I’ve watched a show in the middle of the afternoon. Oh, and I’m prone to taking naps now like a cat curling up in a sunny corner.
Here’s my plan going forward. I’m going to act like my passion is trying to find me and stay open to whatever comes my way. (It IS always trying to find you. We just need to listen and push that darn ego out of the way.) I’m going to adopt a sense of curiosity and pay close attention to how my heart and energy reacts to whatever it is I’m experiencing. Is my energy expanding? Does it make me feel more like myself? Do I want more of it? I’m going to laugh more, maybe even be a little silly.
What do you think? Do it together?
My belief is, if I allow my passion to emerge organically, with time and space, then purpose and meaning will follow. More on that later, but let me leave you with this thought. What if your purpose is less about creating some grand legacy and more about touching the lives already in front of you?
That may be all the passion, purpose, and meaning you need.
With Love and Fire,
Dyanne
Soulfire Woman Journal Prompts:
What am I curious about?
What would I explore if I didn’t have to turn it into a career, purpose, or accomplishment?
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