Too Much? No. Just Fully Alive
I encountered something interesting last evening while fielding Q &A as a guest on a call in another woman’s coaching group. I often work with women who have underlying feelings of not being good enough or feeling unworthy. But these women on the call felt differently. They worried they were too much and too independent and that their strong boundaries kept them unpartnered and lonely. They believed men found them intimidating. The question they asked was: How can I find a partner when I am already strong and self-reliant? I hear in their voices an apology for who they are.
My memory flooded me with all the times I took control in my marriage which I’m sure contributed to my divorce. My then husband traveled during the week and was home on weekends. This necessitated my being able to take care of household situations and emergencies. I began making decisions on my own without consultation, not thinking I needed to ask when I thought I knew the answer already. My husband’s interpretation was that I didn’t need him anymore. Not the case. I thought I was doing what needed to be done in the moment. Plus, he took a very long time to decide, and I just couldn’t abide by that. Was I really being too independent?
Coincidentally, I’m reading a book right now that takes place around 1850s England. Women then were deemed socially inappropriate if they spoke their opinions or showed emotion, or anything other than grace and politeness. They dared not confront their husbands who controlled their every move, in one example, of how often and long a mother could see her children. If a woman had an emotional outburst, and who wouldn’t, she was labeled with having “hysteria.” Women were punished by having their books taken away with the assumption that they were being negatively influenced by what they were reading putting ideas in their heads. And, if husbands really wanted to get rid of them, they had them committed to insane asylums never to see the light of day again.
I know things are not like that now, hmmm….. or are they really? It is still true we women have been rewarded for being accommodating, gentle, and pleasing. I just watched Martha Stewart’s documentary. Now tell me she wasn’t punished (by men and women alike) for being demanding and a great businesswoman. When a woman leads with strength, society still reflexively labels her “too assertive” or “too much.”
Naturally, many powerful women carry the fear of will my strength push love away (or cost me that promotion or job)?
Or, maybe I’m not feminine enough and men are intimidated by me.
How would you define femininity? Who are you comparing yourself too?
Somewhere along the way, we are taught that femininity means being soft, quiet, accommodating. That to be desirable, we must be less decisive, less outspoken, less sure. That’s conditioning, not truth. For too long, we have been told we’re too much, or that we have masculine energy, that we’re not feminine enough. But these aren’t male traits. They are expressions of awakened power. Sister, the problem isn’t our power, it’s that we’re still in systems or relationships that only make space for part of who we are. How many times have we made ourselves small to be loved?? Have we over given in a relationship?
Real feminine energy isn’t about shrinking or dimming your light. It’s about embodiment — being fully alive, emotionally attuned, receptive to life. It’s about aligning with the truth of who you really are. It’s magnetic, not meek. It doesn’t apologize for its wisdom or water down its fire. Real feminine energy is equal parts earth mother, warrior goddess, sensual lover, creatrix, and courageous being. Your depth is your feminine frequency. Whew, can you feel the power?
Let’s try this reframe: A woman who speaks her truth and holds high standards isn’t intimidating, she’s initiating.She’s calling in relationships that match her integrity, not challenging her worth. I want you to trust me on this, the right partner will not be threatened, he or she will be impressed. Your partner will be someone who can hold your depth, your uncontained energy, your passion, wisdom, and intensity.
Believe me. You are not too much. You are everything you are meant to be.
With Love and Fire,
Dyanne
Journal Prompts:
· What old ideas have I absorbed about what it means to be feminine or desirable?
· Where do I still tone myself down to feel safe or accepted in love?
· What would it feel like to be both strong and deeply feminine — in my own definition of the word?
· Can I trust that my true energy will attract the kind of partner who celebrates, not fears, my wholeness?
