Here I Go, Crying Again

If you ask me, I will tell you I am doing fine. For the most part, I’m productive, and my schedule hasn’t changed too, too much. I get outside as often as I can enjoying the smells of spring in full bloom. Mmm, wild honeysuckle on the vine. It’s like breathing in heaven. There’s my dog Penelope to entertain me. Yup, doing just fine.

With one small exception. Every little thing makes me cry. We just watched two series finales, Schitt’s Creek and Homeland. No, no, they can’t be over I wail. I’m not ready to let these characters, my friends go. I miss them already and can’t imagine a life without them. It’s also the time of year when regular TV Series are ending for the season too, like Grey’s Anatomy. I’m emotionally attached to the people like they are family. What if Owen ends up alone? No!!

Let me hear a hymn and forget it. Crying my eyes out. I haven’t attended regular church in years. Commercials. Crying. CBS Sunday Morning Show with its heartstring-pulling feature stories. Crying.

When I watch the news, and see the physical and emotional toll the Coronavirus is taking on our nurses, doctors, EMTs, cleaning staff, bus drivers and grocery workers, and then add the photos of the people who are dying, I can’t even talk I’m so choked up.

My dear friend lost her brother suddenly, not from Coronavirus, but just as unexpectedly and quickly. Hearing the sound of her voice on the phone, and knowing the pain she was feeling, of course, brought me to immediate tears.

What is happening here? Honestly, I don’t know. I may be writing this blog prematurely before I have the answers sorted out. I do know, I have to feel to heal. Crying is holy work. Allowing the tears is the only thing I can do right now. As an empath, I feel the emotion of the collective, the energy of grief, a letting go of what was to what is. Letting go, paring down. These are all good things.

I feel the griefs of my lifetime too, over again, maybe more deeply, I’m not really sure. Grieving those I’ve lost to death, dear friends, family members, those who felt like family, relationships that ended severing ties made and nurtured through my adult years. These are coming to the surface. I’m sure I have grieved them before. Here they are again. My body, my cells are remembering for me a time when I felt similar and is bringing forth the buried memories. Maybe it’s the energy of missing people, especially loved ones, missing life as I once knew it.

Happy things make me cry too. Babies giggling. Uplifting stories. Laughing so hard my eyes tear. Silly things My Guy and I say to one another that only we could laugh at. You ate my spinach salad, I grumble! Why would you eat my spinach salad when there is “boy” food in the fridge! Boy food? We crack ourselves up. Don’t worry if you’re not laughing. I’m sure you have those times too, when the silliness overtakes you with belly laughs.

Connecting in a more intentional way with loved ones, not in an obligatory way, listening more deeply has become a priority, a lifeline, what is and should always be more important than my to-do list. I am in the moment, totally present. Being present, being in gratitude, yup, makes me cry.

It’s taken me writing this to realize what all this crying is about. I think it’s about love and connection in all of its various forms. What is grief if not a form of love? It’s about missing the people I love, even the made-for-TV actors and actresses I invite into my living room and think of as friends.

Crying. Again.

And I’m doing just fine.

Stay safe my friends. Be well. Share!

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Dyanne Kelley

Dyanne Kelley

Soulfire Woman

I’m Dyanne Kelley. You can find me @soulfirewoman where I share my musings, wisdom, coaching, mentorships. My book, “Soulfire Woman: How to Torch the Past; Ignite the Present, and Set Your Soul on Fire,” is available now!  For a sneak peek at the first chapter, fill out the form below. And shoot me your comments. I love to read your feedback.

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