Confessions from the Other Side…of 50


I’m no prude. Really, I’m not. But smh. That’s Shake My Head for those of us midlife women just catching on to texting lingo.

Recently,  I posted a blog article on Elephant Journal, Meet Grace, My New Best Friend, about being kind to ourselves during this time of COVID 19. It is only after I send out my blog to everyone I know on the planet that I realize, when you click on the link for the article, the ad at the top of EJ page is for vibrators. Big and bold, obviously, the banner spans across the entire top quarter of the page. I gasp. What must my readers think? Who would think? This is a Buddhist, compassion, meditation- oriented blog site. I scan the article titles. There are F**Ks all over the page. And these are the most clicked on articles. An interesting take on compassion, I think.

Praise God (dess) the ads periodically change. The next week it is for lubrication oil. This one has my attention, a brand I haven’t heard of before. I stop. Wait, I’m getting this from a mind-body-spirit blog site? I resist clicking on the link. Besides, I don’t want a gazillion ads for lubrication flooding my email and Facebook. Although, I know by writing this I’ve already sealed my fate. I’m sticking to coconut oil, thank you very much.

I get emails from Daily OM. I click on the top 10 selling courses. Five of them are about anti-aging, weight and/or physical conditioning. No!! Not Daily OM. Implied in the title is peace and calm, development of our higher spiritual selves. Their courses are supposed to help us not succumb to societal pressures of a perfect body image, to tap into a consciousness beyond shape and form. Anti-aging is the key to higher consciousness, maybe?

I feel betrayed. Then I sign up for the Buff Arms in 14 days. I hope this isn’t like my experience with the Dr. J 15-minutes a Day Complete Fitness Program when I squatted myself into not being able to walk or sit down for a month or two. Most likely,  I’ll never open the emails. It’s the thought that counts, right? I wonder if by imagining myself doing it,  I can get the anti-aging same results. The mind is a powerful thing, I rationalize. It could happen.

A week before Mother’s Day my emails, Facebook and Instagram are flooded with ads for Crepe Erase. Why am I getting these ads? I swear I didn’t Google anything related to sagging skin. That I’m aware of. I know. It’s those live Facebook posts I’m doing. The camera is analyzing my skin and relaying the information to a Higher Power, Google.

Is this a gift suggestion for women of a certain age when you just don’t know what to get them? Like,  who’s going to buy their mother Crepe Erase as a Mother’s Day gift or any time gift. What marketing genius puts together Mother’s Day and the desire to tighten sagging skin. I swear I would disown a child that bought me this gift for Mother’s Day. Then I would secretly use it. If it worked, I would consider letting the kid back into the family. Kidding. Not.

BTW, by the way, there’s a 20 percent off spring sale going on right now.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe the ad was letting me know I need to tighten up my legs and arms before I wear that above the knee, sleeveless dress on Mother’s Day. A lightbulb goes off. Fashion designers deliberately create these styles so we will buy these products. They are in cahoots. It’s a conspiracy. An anti-aging conspiracy.

And there you have it. Another conspiracy theory designed to…to do what I wonder? To goad us into believing we need to look a certain way, be a certain way, act a certain way or we are not doing midlife and beyond right which is to not look like we are actually women in midlife, the best years of our lives, imho, In My Humble Opinion. If you want to know why, Read my blog article, “Hey, I’m Not Done Yet! 10 Reasons Midlife Women Rule!”

I say, F**K It. Yup, I said it. I’m wearing that damn sleeveless dress anyway.

Hey! Sounds like another good title for an Elephant Journal article. I smile to myself. I’m really getting the hang of this.

And if you really want to help me in my anti-aging quest, how about sharing this post? Your feedback and comments keep me young!

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