And just like that I’ve become a caretaker.
My dad died. My 87-year-old mom is now my responsibility. She’s not as sharp as she used to be. She forgets. She has occasional night terrors and sees dead people. She can drive but hasn’t really driven in years.
Is this sounding familiar? How many of you are in similar caretaking situations?
Yet my mom is very capable. Especially at keeping house. Cleaning is how she’s coping with her grief and anxiety. She polished her kitchen cabinets yesterday standing on a chair to reach the upper most corners. Today she polished the granite on her countertops. As I was working on the computer, she walked by me with her coat on carrying a two-gallon bucket of water headed outside to clean the door jams on her car. She just couldn’t stand them being so dirty, she said. I walked into the bathroom, and she was standing on the toilet emptying a shelf of my dad’s personal items. She packed up my dad’s clothing and put it all in large garbage bags then carted them around the house. She weighs 97 pounds. He’s been dead two weeks.
My mom has lost her balance and hit her head more than once. She’s had two strokes. No amount of admonitions stops her. No amount of jumping in and helping stops her. It’s like chasing a toddler sneaking and trying to get away with something.
Years ago, I told her she was going to die cleaning. I meant it as a “come to Jesus moment,” as in, stop it. Now I think if she goes that way, she’ll be happy she had a clean house. It borders on OCD. She obsesses on things like dropping off my dad’s clothing at the Rescue Mission NOW. As she checks things off her to-do list, she temporarily calms down until she decides on the next thing to be done NOW. It’s easier to accommodate her rather than be with her anxiety. I try to tell her to take some deep breaths and know she has plenty of time to get through her list. Foreign concept. Medication would probably help, although it would take an act of God for her to agree.
She cooks, pays her bills, and balances her checkbook. We practice driving and she remembers all the back roads and how to get where she’s going and to return without help. She dresses nicely every day. All on the capable side.
We went to my aunt’s house to deliver Fastnacht donuts, a Pennsylvania German tradition, and a couple days later she didn’t remember giving her sister any donuts. She makes her own, she said. There are things, especially involving technology, something as simple as having a new car owner’s card emailed instead of sent through the mail, that she cannot comprehend no matter how many times you explain it. Or, how to use my dad’s cell phone. She’ll ask me the same question repeatedly the answer never really landing. She forgets where she puts things often not finding them until the next day.
She almost got scammed once going to the bank to withdraw all her cash in a cashier’s check. The bank manager alerted me. When I talk to her about that now, I can tell she doesn’t remember.
I’m trying to figure out what caretaking even means. Physically she’s fine, so that part’s okay. It feels like I am part memory bank, comprehension skills coordinator, recreational and occupational therapist.
I created a checklist for her of the things she/we accomplished because she forgets and panics about something she needs to do that she’s already done. I see her stopping by the table and going over the list throughout the day.
While she knows she isn’t quite able to comprehend something, she doesn’t really know how much she is forgetting. She wants to stay in her home. She basically thinks she’ll be okay once she works through her grief. Once we have extra sunshine and warmer weather, and can she walk with her girlfriend, she’ll be all right, she says.
Will she? I’m left wondering, can she stay by herself? I don’t know. How fast will her cognitive decline be now that it’s impacted by grief and anxiety? I don’t know. As long as she’s cleaning, will she be okay? I don’t know. What is the best decision for her highest good? My highest good?
I just don’t know.
