Confessions from The Other Side of… 50
Dear Holy Goddesses:
Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. If you recall, I tried to get into someone’s else’s car thinking it was mine. Twice. My guy calmly and politely said, honey that’s the wrong car. I’ve mistakenly been wearing under eye cover as eye primer for weeks. It works by the way. Today I put eye liner on my eyebrows and wondered why it was so dark. I can’t keep the stuff from smudging when it’s under my eyes but try to get it off of your eyebrows, sheesh. Here’s the worst though. I was going into a department store and an older woman was holding the door for me. Wanting to respect her age, wisdom, and all that, I thought she should go before me. I grab the door and say, AGE before BEAUTY. WAIT, WHAT, DID I JUST SAY???!!! Of course, I meant it the other way around. HOLY MOTHER GODDESS, just make me invisible! I apologize to deaf ears. She’s already huffed and marched away. Rightfully so. To make it worse, there’s a sales person inside the door handing out a store promotion who bursts out laughing. My crime has been witnessed and verified. She could identify me in a line-up. Mortified, I shop in fear of bumping into either of these two women again. Does this mean my chakras are spinning the wrong way? Apparently something is spinning the wrong way.
I was telling you previously that after six months of injuries, I just didn’t have it in me to go hard out at exercise anymore. I just wanted to enjoy my walks and yoga without pushing myself. Then synchronistically I receive a free podcast on hormones and older women and exercise and how pushing so hard releases cortisol which becomes belly fat. We don’t want that. Dr. J says I only need to do 15 minutes of the right kind of exercise three times a week which includes resting to lose that stubborn weight and become toned. He features testimonials from women my age saying how this program transformed their lives. I’m in. I’m motivated. My daughter is getting married next summer. I’ll be wearing sleeveless. I don’t want those kind of arms, the ones that swing in the breeze.
For a nominal fee, I get the 12-week exercise plan and explanation of all the hormonal stuff and how it actually works. I ignore that part and jump right into the exercise. Up comes the first video. Wait a minute. These three gals look like they are 30-
35 and are definitely buff. My workout buddies, says Dr. J. Are you kidding me? I start to get nervous. We start our warm-up swinging our arms from side to side. Oh okay, I can do this. Next up full out push -ups. Last time I did a full push-up was, well, never. I run behind the sofa and push up and down off of the back. Think about this. Push-ups for 45 seconds. Then squats. Then squat and hold while you do some weight thing. Each exercise is at 45 second intervals. I watch the second clock. It’s in slow motion. Halfway. By now I’m huffing and puffing as are the young gals I might add. My phone rings. I take the call. Well,I am following the rules. Dr. J says we need to rest. Good. That shaved off a couple of minutes. Then we do some burpee kind of thing with a squat thrust and a jump. Do you know how hard it is to get this body airborne? Where are the women my age I shout out loud? Oh there she is finally popping up in the bottom left of the screen with a much needed modification. And she’s gone. That’s it, one modification? False advertising. Bait and switch. Who is Dr. J marketing to really? Whew, done, made it. Those gals are glad it’s over too, giving each other high fives. I high five them. I’m on the team now.
I’m determined to get through the next two 15- minute segments on alternating days. It only gets worse. I’ve squatted so many times I’m stuck in permanent position. I watch those 15 minutes count down. Something must be wrong with the clock. Since when does time move this slow? Oh, and by the way, the three-a-week 15 minute interval program only works if you walk one-two hours a day, every day, 10,000+ steps, preferably right after your workout. Spoiler alert. And eat right. I looked at Dr. J’s menus. He means diet. Damn. I’m not really going to admit I rewarded myself with ice cream, am I?
Well, I got what I wanted. I was in gentle yoga class this week. And the hot tub. I get it though. It’s a spiritual lesson on time being an illusion, a construct of our minds.
Now if I can just bend time and make those 15 minutes disappear.
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